Lately I have found myself being a moody little goth. I'm more and more the stereo-type in the attitude department. More and more often when I face a new problem I think of how easy it would be to kill myself and be done with it, before I allow myself to set the actions in motion to fix the problems. The problems are still resolved, but the killing myself option is more common than it was three years ago.

Three years ago my world was broken down into a million pieces and still isn't put back together. I've done what I can with glue and tape but it's precarious at best. No matter how I try it just keeps falling apart. My siblings are in the same boat (they're both strong enough to not even entertain the suicide idea though) and every time I see them break down I break down. I'm trying hard to pick myself back up. I think I am succeeding. I just have to tell myself over and over that the world may be an awful place but there are some good things. I have to focus only on the good and when I can't focus on those good things I need to keep myself occupied and around people. It's working but the little black spots are chewing at me.

Damn, even talking about it makes me feel so stupid. People suffer through worse than I do and don't get this bad. I feel like a broken record.

Hmmmmmm

So the FDA has begun trials in using MDMA (-methylenedioxymethamphetamine AKA Ecstasy) as a therapy treatment for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. They believe the drug will inhibit the fear response to a perceived emotional threat, allowing the client to place the emotional sequelae of past experiences into a more realistic perspective in their current emotional lives and relationships.

Now, while I actually see this working very well, I worry that people are willing to sacrifice HUGE CHUNKS of their brains. Ecstasy basically sends you into a fever. Your body temp rises and you become dehydrated, it's all very fun but you're cracked out and boiling your brain and that's not good for you. I don't know much about the study as of now but I can't decide how I feel about it.

Ecstasy makes you feel wonderful, you love everything, you aren't afraid of anything. I don't see people being rational when they aren't on it though. I see it damaging the brain tissue more and sending them into more shock and psychosis if this isn't done carefully. The testing will be over the next five years.
We'll see how it goes.

It's like a nightmare demon coming in through bedroom windows

Time to get a look into what makes me tick. Or not tick. Whatever.

How many people out in the blogosphere suffer from a sleep disorder? Show of hands? Probably many. Insomnia,sleep apnea, sleep walking, night terrors, all sorts of fun things to drive us mad.

I know I suffer from one such disorder. The disorder I have is actually quite common, almost everyone has been through it at least once. There is no treatment, it's not really known what causes it, and it's horrific.

Sleep Paralysis.
What's that? Long story short, when you go into a REM state of sleep your body paralysis itself to keep you from acting out your dreams and hurting yourself. Makes a whole lot of sense, THANK YOU BODY FOR BEING SO AWESOME AND FUNCTIONING LIKE THIS! Human body= amazing. I'm getting sidetracked...ANYWAYS! When a person experiences SP their body goes into REM state and paralysis itself, but your mind wakes up.
If you haven't been through this at least once let me detail what this is like.

You open your eyes, it takes an immense amount of effort, your body is not responding to your minds commands to move, a finger, a toe, your mouth to scream but nothing comes out and your lips stay shut. All the while sleep is pulling you back, your eyelids are trying to shut and drag you back to, what is surely, a sleep so deep and dark you'll never wake up. You realize that not only are you unable to move, you are unable to breath. That's when you wrench your eyes back open and see horrific demons. Everywhere, shadowy, dark, menacing demons. Perched on your chest, sharp bony fingers around your throat, standing in the doorway, crawling along the ceiling, holding your limbs down! These creatures are the cause of your unmoving body and the sheer terror is enough to make you jerk and pull yourself from the demons grasp only to find that-
You're sitting in your bed, the tv is still on, there are no demons and you can move and breath just fine? You're bf rolls over to ask what's wrong and you say
"Just SP again. Did I scream this time?"

Welcome to the last week of my life. Actually welcome to most of my nights from my entire life. My first SP attack was at the age of five. I thought I was being possessed by demons. It has never been constant or on a schedule but I get it in clusters for weeks or months at a time and then it's gone for a while. Repeat process. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I learned what Sleep Paralysis, or Old Hag Syndrome, was what plagued me and not some vengeful tortuous spirits.

The long and short of it is, my body hits REM, I wake up, because I am still somewhat asleep, I am breathing slowly and deeply and it seems to me like I am not breathing at all. So, I'm unable to move or breath, this send me into panic mode and since I am still asleep, I am still dreaming. Begin nightmare hallucinations.

It's not always the psychotic, choking demons, sometimes it's a little girl holding a leather bound book out to me. Sometimes it's a creature with no arms or legs, a slit for a mouth that is sewn shut and terrifying black holes for eyes. Sometimes it's nothing because I realize what is happening before I fully panic and can wake myself up. The only way to actually wake up from SP is to force yourself to move, once that happens you're good to go.

Most people have had at least one experience with SP and either don't remember it or just ignore it. For some people, like myself, it's chronic.

I hate it. I sleep very lightly because I am afraid of REM sleep, any noise wakes me up. When I do go into a deep sleep I have to fight off nightmares by staying awake for days after. This causes me to become exhausted and then start the cycle all over again. Exhausted sleep means having less of a chance of waking myself up. But I'm terrified to sleep.

It's Saturday, my day to sleep in, I've been awake since five thirty. I fell asleep at two.

My little family is growing...

Kristopher and I brought home a new baby this past Saturday. A sweet little, ten month old ball python. We have named him Ryuk (Ree-ook) and he is settleing in very nicely. He was very shy and skittish at first, shaking whenever we had to handle him to change his water of check his tank humidity, but as of last night he is a happy camper with us.

He's no where near as big as our last snake and won't even come close. If he gets much bigger than four feet I'll be amazed honestly.

I've missed having many pets. I always had at least one dog, one cat, and a few fish. For a few years after I moved out I didn't have pets, and now I have two :)

Ryuk is such a cute little guy!

More!

Dear bagel patrons,

Yet again your humble, and irritated, female bagel mongers have few things to inform you of.

The special on the board called a Canadian, is so named because it is chalk full of Canadian bacon goodness! We ask you don't mess with the specials. We ask that you do not demand we make you a Canadian without the bacon. That's just stupid.
We also ask you don't demand two of these monstrous, baconless, Canadians.
Oh and, your friend who orders a Egg/chedder on a bagel and demands we scrape the grill so she doesn't get any meat juice on her egg? Is a fucking moron. America is the only place where vegetarians still eat eggs.
I know you three all think you're so cool and trendy and saving of the animals,but guess what? You're pretentious, annoying, have an entitlement problem and aren't doing shit to help the animals.
You want to help animals? Go donate to the local animal shelter instead of buying that two hundred dollar Christian Arguiler purse you're holding. Go volunteer at a rescue instead of having us make your stupid fucking sandwich four times because "ZOMG THEREZ MEATZ JOOOOSE ON THIZ!" you stupid poser bitches.
I know you think I am just uncaring and am just talking when I told you I thought you were bullshit lazy assholes who don't actually care about animals, but I do in fact, do allot with animals. I donate 100$ a month to the Arizona Humane Society, as does my bf, I volunteer at the local rescue, and I DEVOUR MEAT, everyday while I do it. You aren't even American vegetarian for a good reason, I know lots of veggies that don't bug me, you just want to feel cool.
You aren't.
Please go play in traffic.

I can't focus

Went to a church thing with a new friend on Tuesday. She gave her testimony, or whatever it's called,and it was a very sad story. I think it did her some good to get it all out though.
I spent the time listening to her and sympathizing but being totally unable to relate. I am not religious, I am not spiritual. I am nothing really. I believe in what I can see with my eyes and touch with my hands. I believe in evolution, and in knowledge and in being in control of my life and other people being in control of theirs. I am happy for her that this makes her happy and makes her feel safe and loved, but I just could never do it.
I was concerned people would start asking me to come to worship or some such thing. Thankfully no one did, they were all very nice, I didn't want to have to respond with "Uuuuh No" would have been rude.

Eventually I started remembering some of the essays I've read in a book called Why I Am Not A Christian. then I felt bad for thinking those things when I was surrounded by Christians. I think avoiding these sorts of things are is the best way to go about the religious things.

Also, not telling your neighbors strongly religious husband that you believe in evolution might be a good idea too. Drunken man arguing creationism vs. evolution is funny,but it could ruin friendships.Except my neighbors are cool and we managed to not offend each other. Go us!

P.S. His argument of WHERE IS THE HALF FISH HALF HUMAN IF EVOLUTION IS REAL?! Made no sense but cracked me up and I almost fell off the fence I was sitting on.

Update updateupdate

Haven't updated in a while. Many things have happened. I have misplaced my glasses, throw an Easter party, completely rearranged my room. Guest reviewed over at The Blue Book Case( http://thebluebookcase.blogspot.com/)Decided many things. Been a raving lunatic bitch. Decided I am moving. AND, decided that today I enjoy fractured and incomplete sentences. Don't judge me.

Work is hell, really. The drama could kill a person. I've noticed Kris and I argue more since I started working there. I have come to the conclusion it's because the drama and stress from that stupid shop is making me a bitch and a half. The search has begun for another job.

While I love Az.I don't want to be here much longer. For personal reasons mainly, but also because the law in this place is beyond screwy. Sheriff Joe Arpio lives in my town, nough said. So, after we purchase a new vehicle the saving will begin for a move to Connecticut. Why Connecticut? Because I can.

I have a new list of work related idiocy but I don't feel like typing it up now. Later...

My real issue lately with this town is with one boy in particular. He's my younger sisters age (16) a little trench coat wearing, stacker boot walking, long haired, mansonite kid.A good kid, made fun of allot for being different. He can be pretty jerky because he's so picked on he's always ready to fight back. Well last year the kids went from teasing him, to throwing a bomb at him.
That's right, a couple of the kids from school mixed a chlorine bomb (you have 40 seconds to throw it after you mix the solution before it blows) and threw it at my poor boy. It blew up in his face. He inhaled chemical and had severe chemical burns in his mouth, throat, and lungs. Not to mention his eyes and face.
When his mother reported it to the cops, while at the ER, they told her that they didn't believe his story. They said he made the bomb himself and blew it up and then blamed the "good"kids. That night one of those "good" kids made another bomb and threw it through the window of the other "good" kids window. A note attached read "You better not tell." Good kids, right?

So my friends mom pressed charges, a settlement was reached, Dear Boy is suffering from the chemical he inhaled still. He recently developed a lung infection that caused seizures and had to be hospitalized. Because of the seizures, he's developed a twitch and a stutter. But the other kids weren't punished at all. Their parent's have to pay 5 grand a month but THE GOOD KIDS were never forced to even apologize.

Four weeks ago Dear Boy was beaten up when he got off the bus. Forced to the ground and they tried to make him kiss their shoes. When he refused, they kicked him. The cops again refuse to do anything. Because it's Dear boys word against the other kids.

Three weeks ago they broke into his locker and destroyed his textbooks, reading books, the spare pair of pants he kept in there and then gloated when he found them next to his locker and his things were destroyed. The school won't punish the kids because he didn't actually see them do it.

They beat him up again last week.

We have begun waiting in a friends car at his bus stop. Next time those fuckers touch him we'll have video evidence AND the word of a mother (not his mother but like one to him) Those little bastards won't keep getting away with this. Neither will the school.