Reason # a bazillion Kris is the best guy in the world.

He has many wonderful qualities, a major one is he loves my bunny!

I woke him up this morning crying because of how sick I felt and he managed to comfort me, without fully waking up, and without touching me!

I have some form of flu, AGAIN, when I am sick I don't like being touched and when I throw up I dissolve into hysterical tears. I was trying not to wake him up but I was half asleep myself and crying from hurting and he managed to wake up enough to get me calmed down before going right back to sleep. Without touching me!!!

I'm normally a few degrees below normal body temperature for some reason, when I'm sick I either get waaaaaay colder or crazy fever. last night I was both yay fever! Kris is like a furnace at all times so when he touched me, though my skin is insanely warm, it felt like he was burning me. He learns quickly.

After many hours of half sleep and throwing up my alarm went off. I said fuck that noise, turned it off, threw up again and then crawled back into bed and passed out. I know Kris hugged me goodbye at some point before he left because I dimly remember a pressure on me and whimpering because it hurt. Poor guy can't even get a goodbye kiss.

I also horrified myself and him with pictures of womens bodies after they had given birth last night(I enjoy seeing what still freaks me out) and he just freaked out right along with me. Then we had a discussion on video games.

Oh yes, the nerdery is glorious!

Suffer the little children

Being in Utah is bad news for my mental health. But it's good news too.

The good news part first. I get to see Kelly! I am reminded that I have quite a few friends here. I have so many things to go do with so many people I am lucky to get time to see the few people I really do want and need to see. It's really nice to see everyone.

The bad news. I become neurotic and stressed from trying not to leave anyone out and not spend less time with those that matter. The holding my opinions back on marriage/children/religion etc. in a place where these are the main points of living.

There are good and bad points to everything and the good over shadows most of the bad. I'm currently sitting in the living room of a house I grew up in with the boys I grew up with. This makes me happy. What is making me upset is the worry eating at my stomach for my good friends who's three week old son is in the hospital with RSV. He stopped breathing last night and has been there since.

I always make it clear that, though I don't like kids, and I often joke about eating them, I don't want them to be hurt at all ever. These people are my family and there five kids are part of the whole ten kids I actually like. Kris and I see these kids more than our nieces and nephew. We've been there from the beginning for the three youngest and the older two are great girls. Seeing Kale turn gray and go limp is terrifying. He's going to be ok but it's putting me on edge until he can come home from the hospital, which won't be for at least a few days if not longer.
He can't breath on his own at all. He's not in severe danger but he's not out of danger yet.

Another reason I don't want kids. The constant fear of this shit would kill me. I worry enough about my siblings, my boyfriend, and my rabbit. A child would push me over the edge. I completely understand the reasoning behind those mothers that get their child addicted to heroin or something and then get them sent to jail. They know were they are at least and that they're safe and fed. Well, maybe not that safe but still.

My dad always gets mad because I "treat the rabbit better than most people" Well yeah, I like him. He can't take care of himself I have to do it. He's on a pellet free diet so he's always eating fresh, bunny safe, greens. A constantly changing variety of them. He's got the run of my room and the rest of the house when I am home. He has a big bed and tons of toys. He gets regular vet visits and if his eating habits change in the slightest I go into a major panic for days till they're back to normal.

Yeah, lets not give the neurotic, slightly homicidal girl something that irritates, disgusts, and terrifies her and then tell her she's stuck with it forever and everything she does will affect the way this thing thinks, acts, feels, behaves and functions for it's entire life. I will never stop getting mad when people tell me I should have a baby for those exact reasons.

I'm so scared about Kale I think I'm going to puke.

Now I am in trouble...

What started as a search to find the Billy doll from the SAW movies for a relatively reasonable price, has turned into me desperately wanting this,

There are two problems with this.
1: It's over a hundred dollars. If I wasn't going to Utah this week I would, at this moment, have it making it's way by mail to my door.
2: Kris is terribly afraid of dolls. To the point where I have gotten rid of all but one and that one stays in the garage. Originally I kept three but the others were porcelain dolls, one named Claudia, who's head finally fell off and shattered, and 0ne named Molly, who did a swan dive off a shelf in an attempt to murder my brother and shattered all BUT her head.
I could buy this and just keep it in the garage with the other but I have no money and I would feel bad if it came in the mail while I was gone and Kris opened it...
Strange thing is, he's fine with Living Dead Dolls (which I will start collecting soon) but not any others.
We'll just have to see what happens.

I finished it

Anticlimactic.

I know since there was no real plot there would be no real closure for the ending.
I am also sort of confused. The book is supposed to be satirical, making fun of the yuppie culture while being horrifying at the same time. Most people miss the humor in it though and only see the insane amounts of violent gore.

The main character is rich, obsessed with brand names and being perfect. He is pretty much the yuppie dream, even lives in the same building as Tom Cruise. He's got a steady girlfriend and many others on the side, is independently wealthy but works as a stock broker or some thing, I don't remember it clarifying what.
He just has this one little problem of violently and horrifically killing (and eating) people and animals.

Normally, this is something I would eat up, but I found it to be poorly written and really just annoying. I had to force myself through it. I like Patrick Bateman.He's insane so of course I like him. What I don't like is his stupid need to focus on, and list, everything. He list what he's wearing, what it's made of, the designer and the cost. He lists what everyone else is wearing. He list what they are all eating, how it's prepared, how much it cost, where they are eating. *slamsheadintotable*

BBBAAAH! I kid you not, that is all the book is. Patricks nonstop dialogue of clothing and things, randomly interjected with bouts of insanity and violence. That's it. No ups or downs or plot twists or even a plot really!

I know the point of the book is to make fun of, and point out, the obsession we as people have with things and money. The yuppies in the book are constantly getting each other confused because they are too busy looking at what they're wearing,eating, buying, etc. to realize who they are talking to.

Then of course there's a tiny little hint that Patrick could be dreaming all of it. THIS DOES NOT MAKE A GOOD BOOK!
I DEMAND PLOT! I DEMAND CONFLICT! I DEMAND A BOOK THAT IS NOT 80% LISTING OF CRAP I DON'T CARE ABOUT!
I enjoyed the books violent scenes and subtle humor, but I didn't enjoy the book.
But we all know I enjoy disturbing things so what a surprise that I laughed hysterically at the image of a man, in an Armani suit, crouched over the decapitated and mangled corpse of a prostitute, eating ropes of intestines like noodles.
Really, is anyone surprised?
The book I picked the instant I finished American Psycho? Drawing Blood, by Poppy Z. Brite. Have I enjoyed it? Oh god yes. Give me, my gay boy serial killers making love in a haunted house and I will be content.
Welcome to my romance novel.

The Sytem is Down

That is Squeee in a hat because it makes me happy.
My lap top has bitten the dust.
I am very upset.
Anywhoo.
I'm currently reading American Psycho. My friend at work recommended it to me because of my love for anything disturbing. I've been reading it for two weeks, a book that size doesn't take me more than a few days! I demolish books, my mother likes to tell people I don't read them, I eat them. Not this one, not this piece of crap slow going senseless, stupid book. It's full of gory, violent, weird murders and strange habits of this serial killer and that makes it a book I am enjoying immensely, but it's poorly written. I know it's meant to be from his POV in a first person narrative and he's a lunatic so it's a little disjointed and hazy on details but I am really having a hard time with it. It's like when I read Requiem For A Dream, good story, hard to read since it's written in Jive talk with no real punctuation or transitioning.
This year seems to be my year to challenge myself with my reading and writing. I'm forcing myself to read books that I have a hard time concentrating on and I'm forcing myself to take a pile of short stories and combine them into a novel.
I think this is a good thing.
?Right?

What you won't do I will

I'm so sick of being sick. I managed to get through work today but I barely made it. I came home to get sick and pass out again.
My back hurts, I'm nauseous, the smell, thought, or look of food makes me sicker, my lower back hurts and I have a fever. Mom called and asked if I was pregnant. Hell no. One of the number one reasons I will never have kids is I am a baby any way. When I'm sick I cry, I whine, I'm miserable. I can't imagine putting myself through all that on top of destroying my body, my financial stability and any plans to do anything at all with my life. I won't ever have kids. It's ok for some people but not for me.
Every time I'm sick mom and dad ask if I'm pregnant. No, I'm just sick. I get stomach issues easily, STOP ASKING! You'd think after hearing me say since the age of fourteen that I don't want kids they'd believe me.
I'm too vain to go through pregnancy, I'm too much of a baby and I have too many health problems already to go through it. I have bad hips, bad eyes, bad wrists. I already lose clumps of hair when stressed and don't sleep well. I have no desire to shove a bowling ball out of my vagina (with or without drugs) I don't want to sacrifice the rest of my life for a slimy little sociopath. I don't want to lose my freedom, who I am and what makes me, me.
I'm fine with so many things and labels because I know who and what I am. I'm not a mother, I never want to be defined by children, I'm just not ok with it at all. I never want to say that the greatest thing I ever did was my kids because everyone can fucking have kids.
I want to live my life my way and my way does not include children.
I'm selfish and I don't care, I want my time, money, energy and goals to go torwards my life, my boyfriend, my furry pets MY LIFE.
The next person who asks me if I'm pregnant because I'm sick is getting their sexual organs forcibly removed with a frozen spoon.

Sick

Sick as in ill. Not as in awesome. I guess people said ill for a while too though.
This is day two of horrible, awful,stomach flu.
I woke up yesterday and felt sort of sick to my stomach. I passed it off as being hungry but the moment I got to work and the smell of eggs, bacon, soup, and bagels cooking assaulted me I thought maybe I am a little sick. I started brewing the coffee and that was it, I was done for.
The other girls I work with came in and noticed I didn't look so hot, I told them I felt nauseous but I wasn't sure if it was sick nauseous or not. Halfway through unwrapping the cream cheese I decide I should probably haul ice because cleaning vomit out of the ice bucket is easier than the cream cheese cart. I manage to get the ice all done and we open and I serve one person before making a beeline for the bathroom. OH HAI THAR CHEERIOS!
So I came home to a day of throwing up, crying *cause I'm a baby and I cry when I throw up* and trying to sleep. I fell asleep around seven last night and didn't wake up till five this morning from my alarm.
I felt a little woozy but I thought I'd be ok going to work. Nope, got there and repeat of yesterday happened. Only this time toss in some dizziness and almost passing out on the floor of the bathroom and we're there.
God this is miserable. I have a fever, I've missed two days of work, I've had the stomach flu four times in the last 12 months. Why does it hate me?!?!?! I eat well, I exercise and I don't punish it with things that are horrible for it. I'm just meant to die young and horribly.

He really wasn't too thrilled with those PJ's I stuck on him...

Today, one of the cooks at work gave me the ends of all the romaine lettuce he had used to make salads today rather than throw them away. Since Hannibal is pellet free his food can get expensive. This brought on a conversation about how no one at work has seen a rabbit do anything but sit and stare. Valerie, who has been over a few times and met Hannibal, started talking about how cute he is and how he runs around and jumps and has so much personality. I started explaining how he's basically like a cat and just runs around all day and is litter box trained.Everyone was so amazed and it made me so sad.
There are so many people that just get a pet throw it in a cage for it's whole life. Then get upset that the animal doesn't do anything. Or that is rattles it's cage bars and bites and is afraid of you.Well no shit Sherlock! Even when my bunnies had to be kept in hutches when I was younger my dad and I built them with lots of room and place for them to hide and then put the hutch inside a run that took up half the yard so they could run around and play. Plus, I had an Xtra large dog crate in my room for the times it was too cold/hot for them to be outside.
Rabbits are some of the best pets I've ever owned and I could never understand just leaving them in a tiny cage and thinking that was all right.
I think it also helped that I wasn't allowed to have a pet until I was old enough to take care of it myself. Even then my parents kept after me to take care of him. Reminding me to do things or making sure I had done them. Buying me a million books on rabbits and taking my buns to the vet when they needed to go. Even paying hundreds of dollars when my first bun developed an abscess in his cheek. They did that with every dog, cat, fish and rabbit I ever owned. I never realized that, compared to others, I've owned few animals because they lived a lot longer than most and we weren't allowed to get bored with them and give them away. Two dogs, four rabbits, three cats. Three betta and three angel fish.
Thinking back on it, I'm so grateful they taught me that animals are not a novelty or a toy or something to get rid of when I get bored. They're living, breathing, feeling creatures and need to be treated well.
I wish more people realized that.
TL;DR Watching Kris roll a bottle to Hannibal or toss a jingle ball to him and watching him binky in happiness is the greatest thing in the world to my little goffy heart.

If You're Not Dancing, Then You're Dead...

I've lived in Az now for about six months. Since I left Utah I've accomplished many things that I was unable, or unwilling to do while I was there. The smallest being my nail biting, (and even that was a big one since I've bitten my nails below the quick from the age of eight on) and the biggest (for now) being buying the GED Study book and looking into grants for school. I love the heat here, I love that there is no snow and no freezing rain. I don't dread work every morning even though I have to get up at five AM and am on my feet for eight hours a day. I can make it through the day without dissolving into tears now.
When we first got here I was so neurotic I just holed up in dads house and basically shook. I unpacked my stuff and then clung to dad or Kris or even Frank. I was still in the mode of not wanting to go out and do things, or get up in the morning. I didn't put make up on or really get dressed. I had no job, had left everything and everyone behind and I was worried I had made an even worse decision than staying there, despite the crippling depression.
Well, it was the right move. I have so many more friends here and even Kris is happier. There are still little problems but everything is moving along more smoothly than before.
There's just one problem.
I desperately miss Kelly. I think about him and my heart hurts. He's been my best friend for so long and now he's six hundred miles away. I talk about him all the time, I saw him in December and am counting the days till I get to go back to see him again. I'm not ecstatic over the ten hour drive we're going to make to get there, or that I will be back in Utah, in the cold and the snow and surrounded by a lot of people I want to avoid. But I am so happy to see Kelly I could puke.
I miss fighting with him, I miss hanging out and being stupid. I miss listening to him rant and ranting to him and making fun of each other. I miss watching him progress in school (which he is now done with!) I missed watching him Plan and make happen a fashion show for charity almost completely on his own. I mean, I have the internet and phones but it's not the same. I miss going dancing and working together and the whole last year I was there I was so miserable I just pulled away all the time. even when I made an effort I was still wanting to go home and hide.
I rarely regret anything I've ever done but I regret taking him for granted. I fully intend to make up for it whenever I get the opportunity.