Suffer the little children

Being in Utah is bad news for my mental health. But it's good news too.

The good news part first. I get to see Kelly! I am reminded that I have quite a few friends here. I have so many things to go do with so many people I am lucky to get time to see the few people I really do want and need to see. It's really nice to see everyone.

The bad news. I become neurotic and stressed from trying not to leave anyone out and not spend less time with those that matter. The holding my opinions back on marriage/children/religion etc. in a place where these are the main points of living.

There are good and bad points to everything and the good over shadows most of the bad. I'm currently sitting in the living room of a house I grew up in with the boys I grew up with. This makes me happy. What is making me upset is the worry eating at my stomach for my good friends who's three week old son is in the hospital with RSV. He stopped breathing last night and has been there since.

I always make it clear that, though I don't like kids, and I often joke about eating them, I don't want them to be hurt at all ever. These people are my family and there five kids are part of the whole ten kids I actually like. Kris and I see these kids more than our nieces and nephew. We've been there from the beginning for the three youngest and the older two are great girls. Seeing Kale turn gray and go limp is terrifying. He's going to be ok but it's putting me on edge until he can come home from the hospital, which won't be for at least a few days if not longer.
He can't breath on his own at all. He's not in severe danger but he's not out of danger yet.

Another reason I don't want kids. The constant fear of this shit would kill me. I worry enough about my siblings, my boyfriend, and my rabbit. A child would push me over the edge. I completely understand the reasoning behind those mothers that get their child addicted to heroin or something and then get them sent to jail. They know were they are at least and that they're safe and fed. Well, maybe not that safe but still.

My dad always gets mad because I "treat the rabbit better than most people" Well yeah, I like him. He can't take care of himself I have to do it. He's on a pellet free diet so he's always eating fresh, bunny safe, greens. A constantly changing variety of them. He's got the run of my room and the rest of the house when I am home. He has a big bed and tons of toys. He gets regular vet visits and if his eating habits change in the slightest I go into a major panic for days till they're back to normal.

Yeah, lets not give the neurotic, slightly homicidal girl something that irritates, disgusts, and terrifies her and then tell her she's stuck with it forever and everything she does will affect the way this thing thinks, acts, feels, behaves and functions for it's entire life. I will never stop getting mad when people tell me I should have a baby for those exact reasons.

I'm so scared about Kale I think I'm going to puke.