Everytime a new Twilight movie comes out I die a little inside.

It drives me to reread all my wonderful vampire novels. I have busted out The Vampire Chronicles, Lost Souls, Dracula, and a few others. GOOD Vampire novels. Unlike Twatlight that is crap. I also decided to order Carmilla since I have never read it and I really want to.

In between reading these I have started reading some hilarious parodies of classics that Mim threw at me as I left her house the other day. She gifted me with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, (lol it's fantastic) The Prequel to that one, The Dawn of the Dreadfulls, and Abe Lincoln, Zombie Hunter. I recommend all these for a light and funny read.

I'm boring. I have an idea for some form of short story to write. More on that later if it pans out.

Need to stop being so angry all the time.
Stress, please DIAF.

I'm out

Strangley enough, Marylin Mansons old music always makes me so happy

Probably because I've always listened to him with my big brother when it was on the radio. When I was older and able to purchase my own music, I spent an entire summer with my best friend Jake and my love chunk Kris. That summer was spent wandering the streets till all hours of the night, sleeping under trees and in Jakes basement room during the day. It was the summer my mother allowed me to dye my hair black and I was allowed to stay out till one. A summer of stolen kisses between Kris and I, of night games with the neighborhood kids, of getting up early to go haul Jake out of bed just to lay around and fall asleep again. The summer we toilet papered six or seven houses on our own block. Always with Manson on as the soundtrack to our summer. Except for one night, one night it was "Fountain of Youth" by the Butthole Surfers. Seriously, Jakes parents were out of town and we threw open all the doors and blasted it over and over again. Haha. One day I will make Jake come see us for a week and we will wander the streets, listen to music, and drink too much coffee.
And I will be happy again for a little while.

I slept with a poster of this man above my bed for years. I still have it, I still am madly in love with Manson, but I can't stand his last cd. Like really I hate it, I blame Evan Rachel Wood. She's ruining him. I can't believe they're getting married. Seriously Manson? Now you're just a gross old man instead of an amazingly creepy sex god. Oh well, I will always love you for Antichrist Superstar, Golden Age of Grotesque and All American Family. For those you will still be worshiped as my god.

"1996"

anti choice
anti girl
I am the anti-flag unfurled
anti white and anti man
I got the anti-future plan
anti fascist
anti mod
I am the anti-music god
anti sober
anti whore
there will never be enough of anti more
I can't believe in the things
that don't believe in me
now it's your turn to see misanthropy
anti people now you've gone too far
here's your antichrist superstar
anti money
anti hate
anti things I fucked and ate
anti cop
anti fun
here is my anti-president gun
anti Satan
anti black
anti world is on my back
anti gay and anti dope
I am the faggot anti-pope


anti peace
anti life
anti husband, anti wife
anti song and anti me
I don't deserve a chance to be

The Devil dances on a blasted, blighted world - no humanity remains, just a barren, sterile wasteland that's slowly destroying itself. He dances in delight and joy at what he sees as his creation - total destruction.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" – Epicurus

Today I am reminding myself why I am not a christian.

Lately I have found myself being a moody little goth. I'm more and more the stereo-type in the attitude department. More and more often when I face a new problem I think of how easy it would be to kill myself and be done with it, before I allow myself to set the actions in motion to fix the problems. The problems are still resolved, but the killing myself option is more common than it was three years ago.

Three years ago my world was broken down into a million pieces and still isn't put back together. I've done what I can with glue and tape but it's precarious at best. No matter how I try it just keeps falling apart. My siblings are in the same boat (they're both strong enough to not even entertain the suicide idea though) and every time I see them break down I break down. I'm trying hard to pick myself back up. I think I am succeeding. I just have to tell myself over and over that the world may be an awful place but there are some good things. I have to focus only on the good and when I can't focus on those good things I need to keep myself occupied and around people. It's working but the little black spots are chewing at me.

Damn, even talking about it makes me feel so stupid. People suffer through worse than I do and don't get this bad. I feel like a broken record.

Hmmmmmm

So the FDA has begun trials in using MDMA (-methylenedioxymethamphetamine AKA Ecstasy) as a therapy treatment for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. They believe the drug will inhibit the fear response to a perceived emotional threat, allowing the client to place the emotional sequelae of past experiences into a more realistic perspective in their current emotional lives and relationships.

Now, while I actually see this working very well, I worry that people are willing to sacrifice HUGE CHUNKS of their brains. Ecstasy basically sends you into a fever. Your body temp rises and you become dehydrated, it's all very fun but you're cracked out and boiling your brain and that's not good for you. I don't know much about the study as of now but I can't decide how I feel about it.

Ecstasy makes you feel wonderful, you love everything, you aren't afraid of anything. I don't see people being rational when they aren't on it though. I see it damaging the brain tissue more and sending them into more shock and psychosis if this isn't done carefully. The testing will be over the next five years.
We'll see how it goes.

It's like a nightmare demon coming in through bedroom windows

Time to get a look into what makes me tick. Or not tick. Whatever.

How many people out in the blogosphere suffer from a sleep disorder? Show of hands? Probably many. Insomnia,sleep apnea, sleep walking, night terrors, all sorts of fun things to drive us mad.

I know I suffer from one such disorder. The disorder I have is actually quite common, almost everyone has been through it at least once. There is no treatment, it's not really known what causes it, and it's horrific.

Sleep Paralysis.
What's that? Long story short, when you go into a REM state of sleep your body paralysis itself to keep you from acting out your dreams and hurting yourself. Makes a whole lot of sense, THANK YOU BODY FOR BEING SO AWESOME AND FUNCTIONING LIKE THIS! Human body= amazing. I'm getting sidetracked...ANYWAYS! When a person experiences SP their body goes into REM state and paralysis itself, but your mind wakes up.
If you haven't been through this at least once let me detail what this is like.

You open your eyes, it takes an immense amount of effort, your body is not responding to your minds commands to move, a finger, a toe, your mouth to scream but nothing comes out and your lips stay shut. All the while sleep is pulling you back, your eyelids are trying to shut and drag you back to, what is surely, a sleep so deep and dark you'll never wake up. You realize that not only are you unable to move, you are unable to breath. That's when you wrench your eyes back open and see horrific demons. Everywhere, shadowy, dark, menacing demons. Perched on your chest, sharp bony fingers around your throat, standing in the doorway, crawling along the ceiling, holding your limbs down! These creatures are the cause of your unmoving body and the sheer terror is enough to make you jerk and pull yourself from the demons grasp only to find that-
You're sitting in your bed, the tv is still on, there are no demons and you can move and breath just fine? You're bf rolls over to ask what's wrong and you say
"Just SP again. Did I scream this time?"

Welcome to the last week of my life. Actually welcome to most of my nights from my entire life. My first SP attack was at the age of five. I thought I was being possessed by demons. It has never been constant or on a schedule but I get it in clusters for weeks or months at a time and then it's gone for a while. Repeat process. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I learned what Sleep Paralysis, or Old Hag Syndrome, was what plagued me and not some vengeful tortuous spirits.

The long and short of it is, my body hits REM, I wake up, because I am still somewhat asleep, I am breathing slowly and deeply and it seems to me like I am not breathing at all. So, I'm unable to move or breath, this send me into panic mode and since I am still asleep, I am still dreaming. Begin nightmare hallucinations.

It's not always the psychotic, choking demons, sometimes it's a little girl holding a leather bound book out to me. Sometimes it's a creature with no arms or legs, a slit for a mouth that is sewn shut and terrifying black holes for eyes. Sometimes it's nothing because I realize what is happening before I fully panic and can wake myself up. The only way to actually wake up from SP is to force yourself to move, once that happens you're good to go.

Most people have had at least one experience with SP and either don't remember it or just ignore it. For some people, like myself, it's chronic.

I hate it. I sleep very lightly because I am afraid of REM sleep, any noise wakes me up. When I do go into a deep sleep I have to fight off nightmares by staying awake for days after. This causes me to become exhausted and then start the cycle all over again. Exhausted sleep means having less of a chance of waking myself up. But I'm terrified to sleep.

It's Saturday, my day to sleep in, I've been awake since five thirty. I fell asleep at two.

My little family is growing...

Kristopher and I brought home a new baby this past Saturday. A sweet little, ten month old ball python. We have named him Ryuk (Ree-ook) and he is settleing in very nicely. He was very shy and skittish at first, shaking whenever we had to handle him to change his water of check his tank humidity, but as of last night he is a happy camper with us.

He's no where near as big as our last snake and won't even come close. If he gets much bigger than four feet I'll be amazed honestly.

I've missed having many pets. I always had at least one dog, one cat, and a few fish. For a few years after I moved out I didn't have pets, and now I have two :)

Ryuk is such a cute little guy!