Your friendly neighborhood bagel monger would like to inform you of a few things she, and all the other friendly female bagel mongers, do not appreciate you doing during your dining experience at our cafe.
Please restrain yourself from grabbing the cups. There is a sign asking you nicely to not touch the cups. Please ask us and we will happily get you whatever cup you like.
Please, when we ASK YOU NICELY, to not grab the cups and ask us, DO NOT get an attitude with us. It's a health code rule, we aren't mad that you touched the cups (unless you do it constantly) we would just like to avoid another 1000$ fine.
When the coffee carafes are out, please do not inform us. We monitor the coffee constantly, if it's out we know it and another batch is being made.
PLEASE DON'T STAND AROUND AND WAIT FOR THE COFFEE TO BE DONE BREWING! It will be done in one to five minutes, like we said. GO SIT DOWN AND GET OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES WAY!
If it's so busy we have a line out the door, don't bring me the creamer pitcher and demand I fill it and stare at me while I do it. That's just bad manners. Bring it to me, tell me it's empty, and I will fill it when I am done with the customer I am currently with.
Don't stare at our asses when we are reaching to get you a mug from the top of the espresso machine. Really, we know you do it, please don't. It's really creepy.
If you order a bagel double toasted and then bring it to us complaining that it is burned and you didn't want it burned I will beat you with the toaster oven. Double toasted = black in our shop.
Don't order a fucking latte and then bitch when it isn't all foam. That's a cappuccino not a latte. It doesn't matter if you try and inform my ignorant self that in Europe they call it a latte and the one with less foam is a cappuccino. You're wrong. That girl right there? She lived in Belgium and the other one over there? She studied abroad for a year and travels out of the country on a regular basis and you're wrong. Cappuccino is mostly foam Latte is mostly steamed milk. Bite me.
Don't demand that we retoast your toast and when we reach for it throw it in the garbage and tell us we have to just remake it. Seriously, I will hit you with that plate.
No, we will not make you five dozen rye bagels to be ready in an hour. The dough has to rise for 24 hours and you are a douche. You can order them today and get them tomorrow. What's that? You want the sale price from today? No, the sale is for today, not tomorrow. It's every Friday and you know this. Call ahead if you want that many bagels. You may be a regular but you aren't special.
DON'T COME BEHIND THE COUNTER AND START GRABBING THINGS! When is it EVER appropriate to do this? You don't work here, you are not allowed to waltz back here to get yourself coffee/turn off the fans/borrow a rag/try and talk to the owners EVER! No just no.
Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I tell you all our sandwiches are on bagels. THIS IS A BAGEL CAFE! If you don't like bagels why are you here?
Please don't touch us. Really, we don't like to be tickled/patted/squeezed or any of the other things you do because you seem to think we are friends. Cause we're not.
Don't demand a refund AFTER you eat the food you moron.
I don't care about New York and what they do in the bagel shops there. Seriously, I don't.
Just because you are from New York/New Jersey and my bosses also are, doesn't mean you get special things. They dislike you as much as I do.
If the owner of the store is standing in the kitchen shouting "NO! GET THE FUCK OUT!"
I advice you to vacate the premises. Immediately.
Lastly, please place trash in the trash bin and plates in the plate bin located on top of the trash bin for your convenience. I promise it isn't as hard as it looks.
Stay tuned for more TALES FROM THE BAGEL MONGER!
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